Many thanks to Erica for some well-timed words of wisdom I desperately needed to hear.

For the longest, this was my favorite quote:

“The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they will be when you kill them.”

And while I do still love it because that’s just my sense of humor, it has been supplanted.

In February, I had one of the greatest experiences of my life in the best damn concert the Twin Cities Women’s Choir has ever done. Joan Szymko put the words of Eleanor Roosevelt to music in The Beauty of Your Dreams. From that song, I learned this quote:

“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

In terms if what this quote means to me, it is both profound and obvious.

This upcoming work trip to India has me twisted up like a Gordian knot. As much as I have tried to keep my composure, there have been several trying moments over the last few weeks. Most if it revolves around doing -and then subsequently re-doing- my training modules and scheduling.

Doesn’t sound like a big deal- after all revisions are a part of life, right? Normally, I’d agree. But since I have never worked on a project of this magnitude and under such time constraint, I feel like my head is going to explode. I feel myself becoming more and more sensitive to the least bit of criticism, and that is not helping matters.

Nothing I’ve ever done professionally has as much riding on it as this trip. I have been reminded, subtly and not so subtly, that the expectations for success are set VERY high. Hearing that, even when it’s well-intentioned, is starting to turn my Perfection and Avoidance mini-me’s into shrill harpys. Well, more shrill than usual.

I think every night for the past two weeks I’ve laid down at night and said “I can’t do this. I’m going to fail.” There used to be a time when that was really I thought about things. A little therapy and a lot of experience helped me to mostly eliminate those thoughts, but like everyone else in this life I can’t totally avoid confidence crises. I try, but I’m human.

Yesterday I was asked to give one of my presentations to my team as a practice, so I can get the feel for speaking and presenting the material. Cake, I thought. I’m an absolute natural at talking to groups and I know the source material like the back of my hand. What I was not counting on was my Director sitting in… and taking copious notes throughout.

Afterwards, he had a lot of constructive criticism and suggestions. I balked at some, agreed readily with others, but walked out feeling like I had to start over. I sat at my desk and tried to drown out the mantra now echoing in my head: “You fucked this up but good. Now you’ll never get everything done in time.” Over and over, a nice little feedback loop helping me avoid making the revisions.

Still stewing in my insecurity and frustration, my manager Madame Dog Whisperer came by and asked to chat. My guts cramped and I thought I might throw up. I just knew I was going to get the speech about taking my lumps and swallowing my pride and just fucking DOING IT.

Instead, she told me how much she liked what I’d done, and that she’d talked to Mr. Director and reminded him that he never said ‘good start’ or ‘nice- this is the right tone’ or anything supportive. Just “here’s your feedback.” Not mean, not nasty- just completely lacking in any acknowledgment that I’m doing this with no time and no resources. She recommended I incorporate his changes and to hang in there. Then she told me to work from home today and tomorrow so I could have fewer interruptions. I breathed a huge, internal sigh of relief.

After she’d left, I decided I really needed to save a little face and stop by the Director’s office. I thanked him -sincerely and without rancor- for his ideas, and he asked me to sit. I did so, and tried to will away my anxiety.

He thanked me and apologized for not saying anything to me beyond “Fix this, add this, and do it yesterday.” He said he had the utmost in confidence in my ability to complete the training materials as well as connect with my audience. Then we talked more about the details of the trip, such as where I’m staying, things I might want to do, the perils of spicy Indian food. It was another unexpected episode of being able to breathe a little.

Still, I left for the day worried. I kept hearing a now faint but still present voice chanting “FAIL!”. I decided to sleep on it and try to just block it out. And that’s when I got up and read the quote Erica had posted. Because that is really the essence of what I need to remember.

No college degree and out of school since 1992? Check.
No experience on a project like this? Check.
Working on the fly and making it up as a I go along? Check.

Despite all that, I’m clearly in this position because I motherfarking EARNED IT- and no, it won’t be perfect. But it will work. It will work because I will make it work, and because this is the thing I must do that I thought I could not.

Take THAT, Perfectionism and Avoidance. Shut the fark up and let me get back to work.

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