Something most unpleasant occurred today, and I’m really stuck on processing it. Part of me thinks I am being a sensitive Sally and I need to let it go, but another part of me just won’t quit analyzing.

I belong to a number of mailing lists and whatnot (in and out of work) for interests such as martial arts, Shiba Inus, and GLBT matters. Someone posted on the GLBT list a link regarding Wal-mart’s new alliance with a gay group and its desire to court the Gay Dollar.

(So, full partial disclosure here: I used to work for Wally World, and I was run out of town on a rail for being gay, and having a relationship with someone with whom I worked. And before you think “fraternization”, we were peers in terms of job level.)

One lone respondent thought it was a positive thing; everyone else bashed the move by Wal-Mart as self-serving and not based on any real desire for outreach. In a blink, a zillion responses began to fly about how:

1. Wal-mart is way late to the party, in terms of trying to make nice with us gay folk

2. They are far from ethical, if all the various lawsuits and allegations of corruption are to be believed

3. Their unwillingness to insure all of their workers

And a few hundred other things. I chimed in and posted an abbreviated version of what happened to me. For the first time in a long, long time, I came to regret that decision almost immediately.

My response relating to my specific experience and those of others that I was aware of did not get a response immediately. But the one pro-Wal Mart guy, we’ll call him Mr. Combative, did reply and basically said:

So you’re saying the entire company is homophobic and hates gays?

Huh? Not at all what I said. I reiterated that my experience was specific to my store and the experiences of those I knew, but that I lean towards believing that as a whole, Wal-mart is not progressive.

More sturm and drang about how Wal-Mart does or doesn’t help poor people. Mr. Combative, a libertarian, shot back (at me, for some reason) that Wal-Mart helps the poor. I replied that they have a tendency to not insure people who are otherwise forced to seek state or federal aid, despite their gainful employment.

So then by your logic, poor people should NOT be allowed to work there.

My head about exploded. I’m still pondering how he got that result from my saying that Wal-Mart ought to offer insurance to all its employees. I never said that, I replied, and Mr. Combative’s retort was “Yes you did”, and again he reiterated the above quote. By this time, the thread had really deteriorated and devolved into him doing a lot of subtle name-calling, and people flaming him in response. Over and over.

I finally had to stop when he said this about my experience:

So since some asshole was mean to you, you’re going to paint the whole company as evil and whine about how they did you wrong.

I don’t think I’ve ever had my words so incredibly twisted in a ‘civil discourse’. ‘Some asshole’ wasn’t mean to me, I was forced out of my job for being gay and questioned by my store manager like I was a criminal. My girlfriend and I were alleged to have done the following on the job:

-had sex in the store
-taken naked pictures of said sex and put them together into a photo album
-had phone sex
-done PDA-type things in front of coworkers

And on and on. All baseless, false accusations by people who were fundamentalist freaks and totally appalled by two women being together. If that happened to me now, I would fight back and take the company to court, if I had to. But I was very young and all I wanted was to disappear. So rather than be fired or stay in the town, I arranged for a transfer to a store in Atlanta, GA. It was granted unusually fast.

Even though I left the e-firestorm that was brewing, I remained stung and angry with Mr. Combative. He, in turn, kept lashing out at anyone and everyone because he felt he was being picked on. He called most of us bigots or worse. People began unsubscribing from the list because of the vitriol.

So why can’t I let it go? It’s hours later and I am still puzzling over his stunning re-write of anything and everything I said, especially when I was not even addressing his primary point, but merely adding to the discussion with a personal experience. It left me feeling very drained and disheartened.

I understand being passionate and having a minority opinion. But being rude, baiting, and outright attacking of those who disagree with you doesn’t do anything positive. Ever. It just silences people who have something valuable to add, or who would’ve gotten something valuable out of a civil discussion.

None of that happened today. And I felt myself drawn to falling to his angry, grating level- but didn’t. Still, I walked a fine line and after few subsequent posts, I truly regretted responding at all.

Hours later, here I sit, still salty and mad. It’s dumb to be mad at someone so asinine, petty, and obviously devoid of civility. I’m hoping that venting this will divest me of some of the negative energy. When I have discussions, virtual or otherwise with people -especially fellow GLBT- I’m looking for harmony and insight, not dischord. It’s amazing how one flailing and careless voice can shatter any possibility of learning from each other.

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