Subtitled: When I live in the past or future, I miss out on the freedom and peace in the now.

Recent events have lead me to exploring a variety of things- spirituality, philosophy, psychology, meditation, and a host of other topics. One that I keep turning over and over like a worn river rock in my hand is the concept of being present.

This article at Tiny Buddha really captures the difficulty I have with this concept- and have always had.

If I keep my attention on the place where my feet reside, I have a better chance of remaining in the here and now. What’s here and now is all there is, so we’re told.

Most of us know this in our heads, but integrating it into our daily living is another thing all together. It’s a practice—one that must remain a part of our awareness if we hope to be released from suffering.

Sometimes when I am running, my head replays old movies—only they’re the movies of my past or the movies I am creating in my mind about the future.

All too often I notice myself feeling all beaten up by my thoughts because I remember things I’ve said that hurt people or embarrassed me. Sometimes I’m replaying movies of the things an ex-boyfriend or lover said to me, and I either begin to miss him painfully or feel incredibly humiliated for being so stupid to fall for his words.

“If only I had done things differently” becomes the sound track to the movies in my head.

Pretty much. Except for me, these movies and soundtracks know no boundaries, and inflict themselves upon me the most when I need to be still- waking me in the middle of the night, interrupting important tasks, shadowing me at all hours. It is exhausting and such a tremendous waste of energy.

But the worst cost is the human toll, the way being not-present robs loved ones of joy, communication, and support.

I cannot change what has gone before. Acceptance of this fact is growing, slowly, kind of like the way moss does. Movement without seemingly any progress. Self-patience, never a virtue for me, is tested daily.