Reading this post by my favorite Caterwauler, I realized how a lot of this applies to me.

I’m constantly being asked to make decisions in a way that’s fairly different than most jobs. E-commerce/risk management is a unique animal and I’m intimately familiar with its weirdnesses and challenges. It’s even harder to do good post-mortems on the decisions of others in this field.

But that is what I do and it gives me an overall sense of decision fatigue. No wonder I don’t want to do anything else and struggle with seemingly basic decisions outside the office. Between this task type and the leading 15 other people thing, I’m beat. And yes, that is literally 15 people, no lie; soon to be 17. Kill me now. That is WAY too many people for a lead, let alone a manager.

Tonight I’m sitting in a new Irish bar in West Seattle, called A Terrible Beauty. Neat place. Best Shepherd’s pie ever, with some fierce local beers on tap. And my table happens to be perfectly placed to see the Olympic Mountains, the sunset, and the ferries darting between here and the islands. Gorgeousness; a summer evening riddled with charm and sweetness.

The waitresses in short tartan skirts don’t hurt, either, but I badly digress.

Decision fatigue, I haz it. I’m direly in need of change, know it, and am trying to find the path to doing so without wrecking key elements of life. I’m battling the insecurity and angst of making a change, while trying to understand why I feel this way.

During lunch with a former colleague from the Cool Company, she pointed out that the culture is designed to breed fear and dependence, so it was no shock to her that I felt I’d flail in a new company. When I also consider that the majority of my working life has been spent there, it’s no wonder I fear failing. All I know are the expectations of The Cool Company, and I’ve no idea what it’s like elsewhere.

But, all the stress and unknowns aside, I have something brewing that may allow me to make that change. I’ll know more soon. It’s in the same field but with some significant differences. Next week may prove pivotal.

A part of me is sad to see this chapter drawing to a close, but it is well past time. Change is necessary and good and I need to stretch my wings in ways that I can’t now. The time for telling myself “one more review cycle” is over. The stocks and pay don’t matter if I lose myself in the process.

As I look at the summer horizon dwindling into fall, I think it is a perfect time to shed this chapter and begin a new one.